I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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