By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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