Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
