arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
