My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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