Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize