9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
