Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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