just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
