what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
