I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
