it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
