Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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