You smell like a Billy Joel song
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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