I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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