Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
