There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
it's not cheating when I paid for it
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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