Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
