i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
