Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
