i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
