Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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