A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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