I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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