please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
