I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
