I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
