I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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