I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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