this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
