Already got asked if we're dating
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
