i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
