I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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