i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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