Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
what day is it and did you see me today?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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