I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize