I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
