I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
