just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Randomize
