i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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