this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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