Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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