i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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