hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She's just so happy...and so naked.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
