he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
