He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
