plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
