its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
