omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
