I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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