I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
