I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
