John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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