he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
