i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
