can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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