Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
