I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
