every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
