I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
