I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
