oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This is classic penis vs brain.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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