yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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