In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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