apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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